Wednesday, February 23, 2011

You can't go home.

You can't go home again...truer words have never been spoken. Okay, we can go home but should we and what will it cost us emotionally when we do? 

If you had a happy normal, pain-free childhood then probably nothing. But if you return to face demons, you will pay the price. I returned to a home I had fled the moment I was able to. I returned home with an alcoholic mother suffering from Alzheimer's to a home that was anything but normal and happy. 
It seemed like a good idea at the time. Having Mother being surrounded by caring and familiar neighbors who would make sure she was safe should I have to leave her alone, briefly. It worked well for years, because I was too busy with her to worry about the past and the rejection. I was a good and loyal daughter until the end when I could no longer care for her myself.

Mom passed away in a nursing home 2 years ago this month, but I am still stuck here in the past and in the house with the scars and painful memories. Trapped to some degree by the guilt
and the inability to let go.

I discovered my favorite writer and character a few years ago. Writer Robert Crais, and his amazing, Joe Pike character who endured child abuse. He may not be the man most parents would want to call son, but I'd be proud to have him, knowing what he endured. Pike has red arrows on his arms that represent moving forward in his life. Don't go back because the past is always there ready and able to steal a little from us each time we revisit it. I think Pike is a character who ignores his past and I hate to tell him that will come back to haunt you just as viciously as those who try to go back and relive it or change it.
I will be putting my past to rest again for the umpteenth time. I'm selling the house and moving with my red arrows facing forward. This time there will be no looking back on my past, no regrets and no hesitation. A fresh start in what will be my 50th year on the planet. I have to do this for myself because I have spent way too much of my life caring for's finally my turn. I have been living with a wonderful son who means the world to me and I need to give him his freedom so he can make a life for himself. I'm getting old and I need grandchildren. LOL

Visit the past, wave hi from a safe distance, but don't let yourself get caught up in things you can never change. Most importantly give yourself the life you deserve. I imagine no greater failure than wondering 'what if" on my deathbed,that's not going to happen! I may fail miserably at my dreams but at least I tried and that will be enough.
Always look to where you are going, not where you have been.

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